


It Had Claws

by MadamSnark



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Post-Dragon Age: Origins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 21:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13280310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamSnark/pseuds/MadamSnark
Summary: When the archdemon is slain and the dust and rubble has cleared, Kallian Tabris is the one left lost, sinking into a depression as pressure, obligations and survivor's guilt weigh down on her until she is trapped.Written from personal experience.No mentions of suicide or suicidal thoughts.





	It Had Claws

Late afternoon light fell across Kallian’s face. She was still in bed. Not a result of injury, trauma, or otherwise exhausting venture that had been her constant companion for nearly a year, but she simply couldn’t find the will to leave. Her eyes closed again, escaping to the Fade where she wouldn’t have to exist in her reality. In the Fade she didn’t have to see the confused hurt in Zevran’s tender glances or to feel the guilt when she told him that she was too tired to follow where he went.

The light was dimmer when she awoke once more. Evening. And still alone. Why would Zevran stay? It’s not as if he cared. Kallian didn’t care; not for food, not for the outdoors, not for sex and laughter. Being with him was too much pressure.

Being without him was emptiness.

Days like today she wondered if she’d ever feel things again. Kallian couldn’t even muster up proper anger that when the morning had come, Zev had been out again. With muted acceptance, she had rolled around and gone back to sleep.

It was surprising how easily time slipped away, as if melting. By the time afternoon came that was always when she gave up. _Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow_ . It was too late to bother with getting up _now_ , she’d convince herself. It was easier to be convincing when it rained. Why bother getting dressed when there was nowhere to go?

Today it was sunny though. Guilt curled up in her chest, sleeping there as it always did.

When she couldn’t sleep, no matter how long she closed her eyes, she’d create her own dreams. Escaping her own burdens was so simple, if only in her head.

She was down at the beach in Antiva. The setting was fuzzy only because it was based on what Zev had described and not her own experience. The sand was white, soft but burning hot beneath her bare toes. They had stolen away to a secret cove. It had taken some climbing to get to, and Kallian had almost slipped but Zevran, with muscles flexing and a confident smile on his face, had always caught her. They swam naked, unafraid of anyone seeing them, simply because it was their own private corner of the world. Their kisses tasted of salt and their touches were always warm, just like the sun. They drank wine every night and made love til morning. Antivan silk sheets tangled around their legs. Even when it rained they revelled in the freedom to let it soak their hair and clothes while they took trips to the market for fresh fruit. Sweet and juicy, she imagined.

It was all imagined.

Escaping was so easy but the temporary relief it offered only made reality that much more crushing. Paralyzing even. They couldn’t go to Antiva where Zevran was wanted dead. He couldn’t show his face freely in his beloved home. Kallian couldn’t start their own adventures there with him, nor stay close to the family she always missed - but didn’t go visit, even now when she was close. In peace, vigilance. How long before whoever decided these things forced her out and forced her to the keep and forced her to take charge and forced her, forced her, _forced her_?

The taint in her blood ensured she would be tied to darkspawn until the day she died. Even in death she belonged to them.

And here she was in bed, wasting the time she had.

Kallian rolled over again, cringing when she brushed greasy, stringy hair off her face. How could Zevran even bare to look at her? She was glad he was out. Wherever the fuck he was. It was better than him being in here, his cadenced voice pleading for her to just come have some breakfast with him, just slip on some other clothes today, to go on a walk. Each gentle intonation stung her heart as she ignored him.

Oh food did come, and she used the chamberpot and she got up to lock her door after the servant came and went.

Servants were a thing in the castle, where Alistair insisted she stay. Needy bastard.

Her thoughts tended towards vindictiveness without meaning to. Soon enough, the thoughts always settled down to the familiar melancholy.

 _Please_. She wanted to say. But she didn’t know what she was asking for.

The lock clicked and Kallian turned her back to the door. Her breath was slow enough to be believable that she was sleeping.

“Kallian,” Zevran said.

Her heart thudded. _Leave me alone_.

His sigh spoke volumes and her eyes stung behind closed lids.

“Ah, mi amor.” The bed dipped where he sat, but didn’t touch. Moments passed and she thought he was done. “Do you love me?”

The words were on the tip of her tongue but she couldn’t force them out. How could she feel love when she felt nothing at all? The silence truly was deafening.

“What can I do?” He whispered.

Kallian wished she knew. She wished there was a spell that could fix her, words that would make her come to life again. “I… don’t know,” her voice was hoarse.

She chanced a glance back at him. He nodded, staring at hands clasped in his lap. He still looked like perfection with soft pale blond hair, broad shoulders beneath a silken shirt, ears decorated with golden hoops. Kallian couldn’t look any longer. She was no good for him.

“May I hold you?”

Her shoulders stiffened. How could he want to get close to her like this? She could barely stand herself right now. Why wouldn’t he just stop asking all the time and _do_. Do something. She frowned.

“Don’t,” she whispered.

Of course he listened.

Until he didn’t. His palm landed on her leg.“You know I’d do anything for you, amor. Storm the dark city itself, remember?”

What was she supposed to say?

He sighed again and his weight left the bed. Like always, the minute he left, Kallian regretted it. She should have said something, anything at all, instead of lying there like a wasting away ghoul. A tear trickled down the side of her nose. She knew she was hurting him, and couldn’t seem to do anything different.

The hopelessness had crept in like an insidious mould. It was inside her, taken hold and she had no idea how to burn it out of her. It had claws.

Antivan seashores called her attention once more, to turn inwards and fade from reality.

The door burst open again and two servants came in, with Zevran leading. Buckets of hot water splashed into the tub in the chamber attached to their room.

Kallian bristled, a glare aimed at the two ladies with crows feet wrinkling their eyes. More water came in, each bucket steaming. _Get out_.

That same sigh she had become used to hearing ushered out of Zevran’s lips. Then he was pulling back the covers.

Kallian turned in alarm as he thrust both arms under her back and legs, and pulled her bodily from the bed into his arms. “Hey!” Her voice cracked when she shouted.

“I have you,” he murmured.

Her brow was creased, a pout forming on her lips as he stood her in the bathing chamber. The tub was full, a hint of rose wafting into the air. She crossed her arms when she realized she was trembling. How embarrassing, how shameful to have to be forced to bathe, by her own lover no less. Kallian couldn’t even look at him as she stood there while he pried her arms away from herself and slid the nightgown off her body.

His thumbs brushed her cheeks and she realized hot silent tears had started to fall down her face.

The water was scalding, hot enough to make her actually feel. It turned her skin pink and made her eyes open wide. Flower-scented steam rose up around her, making her face dot with sweat.

Her shoulders quivered, and then shook as Kallian gasped for breath and sobs racked her body.

“I can’t… I c-can’t,” she babbled between gasps for breath.

Zevran hushed her and scooped hot water over her hair, rinsing away the layers of sweat and oil.

Kallian sank lower into the tub until only her knees and face remained above the water. She cried quietly, then with sudden loudness when Zevran’s touches got especially tender. She didn’t deserve this; his kindness was too much. “I don’t - I can’t,” she sobbed brokenly, “I-I… _Zev_.”

When he finished shampooing her hair, he rinsed and did it again, and she found herself relishing the touch she had been pushing away so long.

His arms wrapped around her shoulders, soaking the sleeves of his shirt. Warm breath caressed the shell of her ear as he soothed her, “I have you. I will always have you. Anything you need of me. I am yours.”

If only she knew what she needed. Her fingers dug into his arms all the same, clinging as if to the edge of a cliff. _Help me_.

They stayed like that, Kallian clinging to Zevran, his breath brushing against her neck and ear, his hand sinking down to rest between her breasts, over her heartbeat. She turned her head into him, suddenly needing to be closer, to feel his touch along every inch of her body, even as she cried into his hair and let tears soak his skin.

“I’m getting you all wet,” she murmured, her voice raw from sobbing.

He chuckled and her heart ached. “It does not matter to me.” With a fingertip under her chin, he tilted her face up and pressed his lips to her forehead. “I have you,” he repeated. “You are so strong, so dear to me, so fierce and brave and loved, mi amor.”

His words filled her with deep sadness. “And I’m a Grey Warden,” she whispered. Those words had never felt less triumphant.

**Author's Note:**

> Your experiences with depression are not mine just as mine are not yours. This is by no means a piece meant to showcase what depression looks like for everyone, just one of the many forms it can take. 
> 
> Sending my love (and a caring Zev) to those struggling <3


End file.
